marc's apartment.

And then I remembered I have (had?) a blog.

If you need an update: I’ve gained weight. I got really fat that my heart learned tricks on its own. Sometimes, a sudden twitch then followed by a deep pain. Sometimes, it’s the act of the disappearing heartbeat. Both of which involves personal physical violence through punches to the chest to keep me alive.

One time, me and friend had to attend an org’s party after jogging around the campus. I had to change clothes with him around – from sweaty and fat-filled clothes to fresh and fat-filled clothes. That friend thought I was wearing a bold printed shirt underneath. “A girdle of some sort for the body?” he asked. I told him, “you’re looking at my skin and if your human anatomy is failing you right now, that’s my chest.” I'm pretty bruised up.

I’ve been also in and out of relationships. Yes, some with humans. But I also explored the wonders of having relationships with elementals, with fairies and dwarves, with inanimate objects like the soil in Will’s garden, my classmate Jeff’s red eraser, and with the pebble that got stuck on my sneaker. I lost track of the other things. I mean, my past relationships.

To date, I also now have 7 tattoos on my body. (I counted my left and right eyebrow separately.) The last one I got was a rainbow tattoo that crosses through the nape with ends resting on my shoulders. That one was dedicated to the cloud I just broke up with. I told it, “I’m sorry, but I just got tired of looking up.”

If you were texting me in the past days, weeks, and months, and I haven’t been replying, that’s probably because I changed my cellphone number too. I got a new phone. I can’t really see its brand. The phone’s name is etched on the lower part. My new cheeks and chunky eyelids prevent me from reading it. I just bought this phone because the keypad is big enough for my fingers.

But I’m sorry. I have to stop here. I’m already panting. This is already above 300 words, exactly 363 by the end of this sentence.

I know I can get fit and healthy again ‘cause, lately, I’ve been running on your mind.

If you still don't get it, just go away.

It’s been sooo long since I’ve written something for this space. The writing process proved itself to be an elitist activity – it demands too much attention, it asks for too much thinking, it involves a lot of time. Time: something that I’ve lost control of.

All I know is that I’m moving forward. I have to.

The end,

I’ve been hanging out at Lyceum last week for a different kind of love. I debated as a swing for the 11th National Debating Championship. Sabi nila, kami daw nagpauso ng konsepto ng “competitive swinging”. That would probably be my first and last so might as well make it good, I thought. And yes, I had fun. Thanks to Jonjon, Jowee, Joel, Norman, and Daryl Isla.

To be fair, I have stories of my own. Most of which I have decided to keep to myself and among closest of close friends. And also, with UP Diliman bringing home the championship trophy, let’s just say I really had fun. Congrats to the UP Debate Society!

***

Sabi ko nga sa isang anonymous friend, “para kang nag-iinvest sa isang bato nang may ipupukpok ka sa sarili mong ulo.”

***

My “official” sembreak just started. So lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my bed and with the dining table. Kain-tulog mode. I just feel so lazy.

This is also the perfect time to catch up on missed Glee episodes. But my computer’s memory is too cramped that it prevents me to download. I stream episodes instead which, of course, would require more patience. But for the love of Glee, go lang ng go.

***

I hate Santi the typhoon. It felt like a huge joke. I want to take it seriously. But come on! They hoisted a storm signal no. 3, there were episodic brownouts, but almost no rain. That’s called paranoia. Not good.

***

After November 2, I’ll be back in UP to probably fix things for my last, I repeat, last semester. Being the emo person that I am, the feeling’s getting harder to handle everyday. I don’t want to leave, especially that there are a lot of special people that I’ll be leaving behind. Eto nalang, putangina. Ganun s’ya katindi ngayon. Kaya ang hirap magmahal eh. It just makes everything so complicated, and yet you know without the complication, everything is too pale and bland, so you’ll end up craving for it even if it hurts. CHOS and throw in some confetti.

***

Maybe (I just hate that word) it’ll be harder for me to squeeze in some time to write entries in the future, so I decided to create a Twitter account. Follow me folks: http://twitter.com/mcsiapno

An orange, when pealed, releases a scent representative of the tangy fruit. Even in the absence of sight, the scent signifies presence – may the scent be real or imitated. It stimulates the mind to think, to remember, to visualize.

A scent devoid of body is only reserved for the nose to sniff. A cup of coffee would smell like coffee, in the same way that a freshly pealed orange would smell like orange. That yes, an orange scent can be described as ‘tangy’, but isn’t ‘tangy’ a word for taste? In this case, aside from smelling like coffee, how would one describe its scent? Unlike other senses like sight, touch, or taste, words seem to be too imbecile to describe what was smelt.

And since, scents are also devoid of body, no lines, nor curves, nor mutations of figural in-betweens would be able to describe it by appearance as well. Scents are mere abstractions of the physical. Vision is integral to smell.

Scents can also trigger hearing, projecting mental images from memory. It extends to the nerves to make you reminisce, to feel the emotion of the remembered moment. Next is the rapid pulsation of the heart, perhaps the sweating of palms, and then a falling tear (or maybe not). Or perhaps a clenched fist and a pair of strong locked jaws, following a punch, then silence. Scents can do so much. Like an indelible imprint, or a strictly weaved fiber forming cloth, removing the signified from memory is near impossible.

But scents are not exclusive to the signified body. A sweet, flowery smell of a flower can belong to any flower. In the same way that a scent of a rotting body can belong to a dead rat or even to a human (not necessarily dead). For scents are replicable, the signifier can signify anything or anyone.

You haunt me more than ever.

The keyboard might as well crack with the pressure it gets, as almost every key seems to be pressed at the same time with the speed of my fingers. “Fuck you, bitch! Can’t you freaking see that I’m finishing a paper!” But it was imagined. Instead, I picked up the book lying on the floor and slapped it against her face. Don’t worry. It was softbound and I just imagined that as well. 

I was on my third page and the bitch still went on, and on – even joked about her friend’s fave sex position according to a Facebook app. How mature. 

On top of the monitor was Cut, a short story for children. It was insulting me. I can’t seem to analyze a short story, made for kids, about a haircut. It was because “Chona bent and whispered something in Mika’s ear: ‘The good thing about hair is that you never lose it. It just grows back.’ And it did.” And this Chona is gay, and Mika’s mother is, obviously, not. Long hair is usually for women, and Chona wore a wig. Mika’s mother didn’t want her to even have a trim, but her Lola said Chona can, and so this Chona did. Mika’s mom saw it, got mad, and gave Mika the haircut of her life. What should that mean?

“Carlos, I don’t know how to do a Marxist Feminist!” Then he replied, “Spivak!” I tried to remember. Yes, Spivak. But wait! I’m using Sara Mills. Scratch Spivak, scratch.

***

The heat was too much. I was sweating. I have to change into something comfortable. Mixed with books and notebooks, paper and all, was a shirt. Thank God, I have a shirt. I ran to the comfort room to change, but wait, where are my books? And so I ran towards a different direction.

I left it. Great. And so I ran faster, crossed buildings, tapped Ben’s back instead because I can’t afford to stop and say ‘hi’. 

It was still there. I can’t afford to lose those books because a week worth of allowance won’t be able to pay for it. It was still there, picked it up, and ran back. I saw you by the steps, reading a paper. I chose not to stop. It was still there. Wait, is it?

***

I tried to open the door. “Ha? Bakit?!” Someone called. It was Patrick. The door was locked. “Ikaw nalang hinihintay.” Nervous, I said, “Teka, eto na.” And ended the call. The door was already locked.

I dialed. “Hello, Pat. Teka lang. Papunta na akong DLRC. Sabihin mo teka lang.” He was too impatient and gave the phone to someone else. “Hello? Teka lang.” I was told to hurry up. 

It was already dark inside. “Sorry, sarado na,” the guy said. I begged, “please.” “Wala na, patay na lahat ng computer.” It was my cue to turn my back.

I was almost running. But because of books and my bulky bag, I wasn’t running. I leaped over steps. AS was pretty high at that point. 

“Hello? Papunta akong Pop I. Wala na sa DLRC eh.” I went down immediately when I heard, “Sarado na yan kanina pa.” “Teka. Pabantay nung department. Saan ba kayo?” “Sa Gal.” I sounded unfamiliar, “Ah okay.”

I ran to FC. “Oh ayan na pala si Marc,” Patrick said. “Teka, wala pa.”

***

Panting and breathy, I asked, “pwede po ba magpa-print? Kahit bayaran ko nalang po. Ma-i-incomplete po kasi ako eh.” She looked puzzled, “Ha? ha? Ano yun?!” The glass was getting misty, “Magpapa-print po. Ma-i-incomplete na po kasi ako.” Finally, she said yes.

I handed her my flash drive. She was taking too much time. She had to call me because she couldn’t find my file. A few scrolls, and she clicked print.

“Magkano po babayaran ko?” I was asked more relaxed. “’Wag na. Major ka ba?” I answered yes. She handed me my paper. “Ate, thank you po. Thank you, thank you po.” I had to hide my paper. Behind me was my thesis adviser. I lost track of the position she now holds, nevertheless she’s my thesis adviser. 

And with a wrist flick, I was out of the department.

In UP, we create our own schedule and choose the subjects that we want to take for the semester. When I was still a starting freshman, everything was so stressful. I was enlisting on subjects that overlap, or I would chose subjects that gave me three hour breaks in between. When that happens, I would do all the necessary changes, which in effect, would also affect my whole schedule. I’d go back to zero. And it was plain stressful. 

This struggle extended to my sophomore and junior years. It was more complicated though. This time, I wanted to take a subject, it fits my schedule, but the CRS always bumps me off. Or I’d love to take a subject, but surprise, surprise it won’t offered for that semester. Or I’d have to cancel a subject that I dreamt of taking just to give way to a major class. Or just to fill your required units, I took subjects that I didn’t even imagine taking.

Well, that was back then.

Fast forward to this date. I only have four subjects left to enlist. Had I took an extra load this semester, I’d be taking only three for my last. Can you imagine how weird is that? Four. That wouldn’t even fulfill a UP student’s required units for a semester. Better find another subject or be kicked hard in arse. But me? Four. Four subjects left before my UP student life ends. Are you freaking serious?! AS IN, 1, 2, 3, FOUR subjects away from graduation.  

I didn’t notice the time. What happened back then?

It’s been raining hard for the past few days. Last night, I think, was the strongest. The gust made the rain look like waves hitting the concrete. On the way home, a few of the signage on the road already tipped over. There was violence in the atmosphere.

t it seemed too ironic that regardless of the rain’s strength, a few spots of earth seemed untouched. These spots weren’t totally covered; just enough to keep them pretty dry.

An Indian tree stands beside our gate. Silly how even if the soil beneath is party cracking, the heavy rain wasn’t able to reach it fully. The weeds beneath needed those drops.

The earth beneath the tree remained damp. The weeds needed those drops. If only the weeds can wish for more, I bet it would wish for those heavy drops. Besides, even pests have wishes, even pests lives to wish.

But weeds will always be plants; plants with roots; and roots that disables them to move. That even if these pests needed those drops, circumstances dictate that they will have to wait for the rain to reach them.

I thought the rain was at its strongest. But why then wasn’t it able to drown the spot beneath our tree? Maybe we can blame the tree’s leaves. Perhaps they wanted the weeds to die. If only these leaves showed a little consideration, perhaps the weeds would finally experience those drops.

But why then would Nature have to dictate how these weeds will die? Or why then would the tree’s leaves agree to conspire? We chose not to pull those pests ‘cause we know they can not cause much harm. They still deserve to live.

But I think the weeds are dying soon. The sun peeked today. That only means heat, that only means being dry. But I think that those weeds are still struggling to live. They have the dark skies as a reason to optimistic. Besides, dark skies can mean heavier rain.

If finally the sky decides to break and pour, I wish that it’ll be strong enough. Those weeds can’t move. Those heavy drops should reach them soon. But if those weeds die before the rain, I still wish that the sky would still break and pour. At least, I’ll know that maybe it wasn’t the rain’s fault. The tree’s leaves were just unfair.

Mahirap ang trabaho nung manong na nagtitinda ng yosi at kendi sa tabi ng kalsada. Bilad sa ulan at araw, tanging suot ay ang pudpod na tsinelas, shorts, at tshirt na kupas. Pwede namang umupo. Pero kasi mas makakabenta kung hahayaang ugatin at pamamanhirin ang mga binti sa pagtindig buong araw hanggang gabi. Bawal ang payong dahil sagabal, asa ka pang may pambili s’ya ng kapote. Tiis, tiis nalang.

Ang mahirap pa d’yan, sa libu-libong sasakyan sa kalsada, ilan ba ang nag-yoyosi? Ilan ba ang bibili, kahit isang pirasong kendi? Hindi natin alam. Kailangan lang umasa nung manong na sa pagtapat n’ya sa isang driver, aabutin nito yung yosi o kendi at mag-aabot ng baryang mamiso bilang bayad. Kung hindi, sorry nalang. Susubukan nalang ulit sa susunod na sasakyan.

Yung nagbebenta ng balut sa kanto, hindi nga nakatayo, buong gabi namang naka-upo. Wala kasi s’yang bisekleta, at kung may bisekleta man s’ya, masyado na rin s’yang matanda para umikot-ikot at sumigaw para ialok ang kanyang mga paninda. Minsan, masyadong malamig ang gabi. Bukod sa suot n’yang damit, siguro sapat na yung di-kerosene n’yang ilaw para magbigay ng konting init. At ang pinakamahirap sa lahat, bawal matulog at wala ka pang makausap.

Oo nga, nakapwesto nga s’ya kung saan marami ang tao. Pero siguro, kakaunti nalang ang interesado kumain ng balut, penoy, o kahit yung chicharon n’yang tila palamuti na nakatali sa basket. Hindi rin naman pwedeng magpa-free taste, o mang-alok ng balut sa kung anu-anong paraan. Kung hindi bibili yung taong natapat sa’yo, aasa nalang na yung kasunod ay may balak kahit papaano.

Iisa lang naman ang gusto ng dalawang karakter na ‘to. Gusto nilang kumita ng pera. Kung bakit, hindi na natin kailangan malaman. Pero iisa lang din ang trahedya ng kanilang piniling paraan para kumita. Parehas nilang kailangan maghintay at umasa. Hindi kasi pwedeng masyadong mapilit. Baka naman ‘pag nabadtip sa manong yung driver ay mura-murahin pa n’ya ‘to o kaya naman sagasaan. Bawal rin naman mambwisit ng mga taong dumadaan dahil gusto mong makabenta ng balut, ibato pa nila yan sa mukha mo kung nagkataon.

Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na aasa ka nalang habangbuhay. Eh kung ganun lang din, sana namalimos ka nalang. Tulad ni manong, dapat tuloy pa rin ang pag-aalok. Pero syempre dapat swabe lang. At kung naka-upo ka lang din naman, sigaw ka rin ng kaunti para naman malaman ng mga tao na nagtitinda ka ng balut.

Walang nangyayari sa simpleng pag-asa. Alam mo yung dahilan kung bakit ka nagbenta ng yosi, kendi, balut, penoy, o chicharon. Kailangan mo kumilos, kailangan mong gumawa ng paraan. Oo, totoo. Minsan nakakatakot ng bahagya maging mapilit. Pero mas matakot ka kung sa bandang huli wala kang napala.

 

Representing UP Diliman in a tournament felt so good. Parang, [insert expletive] UP Diliman ‘to, pare. Except that I don’t really say ‘pare’ in real life. Pero gets? You’ll get so pumped up that you’ll feel you can do anything at that point (of course, except for that seemingly impossible take home exam you brought as a symbolism of your dedication as a student).

Looking back, we did a lot of weird things. Say for example, upon arriving at the convening room, we hugged each other. Then when the first motion was given, we all hugged for good luck. After the round, we hugged again either for a) the success b) for the fucked up round. Then when teams forwarded to the next round, we hugged. And when a team falls, we hugged too. The cycle went on and on. Dumating nga sa point na “pwede wag na muna mag-hug?” Kasi naman. Sa sobrang hug, parang hindi ko na ma-appreciate. Simple desensitization. Sorry na, k?

People got frustrated, some felt good about themselves, issues grew for whatever reasons, but hell, who cares? We were out there to kill and the moment we joined that tourney, we knew we can be casualties of our own contingent. It was all worth it.

It’s amazing that you have friends as the Best Rookie Team (JC girl and Trixia), your org’s applicants performing really well compared to other institutions (JC boy and Ben), and whole contingent who did its best for a full contingent break for a shot at championship (Sabi nga ni AnaRod, “this is becoming a trend.” Sana nga maging trend na forevah.).

I’m happy for myself (parang ang pathetic pakinggan) and for Mikee too. People can always say that we got eliminated eventually and that’s sad. But being eliminated in the Octos isn’t that bad – that’s a round away from the Semis.

The whole tourney was really a “learning experience” (Arcellana, Infinity). I just “loooooove it” (Avila, 2008). Say hello to Tin from UPLB, to Toni, Paula, Kaiyze (?), and Morris from UST, to Clarissa and Keith from UPM, to our Argumentum friends from UPB, to Victor from DLSU, and so on and on. I love the debate community. And yes that includes *toooot* and *straight* who probably *straight* needs chemical castration [does the ever funny arm-torso movement].

I’m looking for more tourneys ahead. I want to reach the Finals. CHOS, hindi naman masama. Sabi nga ni Emily Shakelton at David Cook, “if you don’t dream big, what’s the use of dreaming?” We all need to reach out for something more.

But for now, I’m back to being a simple student trying to finish each and every requirement (yes, I did manage to finish the take home exam I brought to the tourney). Watch out for us, Marc Siapno (probably plus, Mikee Sevilla again) or [insert name here]. But for each and every tourney ahead, sabi nga ni Michael Jackson, “where there is love, I’ll be there.” Promise.
 

Now I understand how the body-less entity can drag you around and around until your sanity breaks. I 19m amazed on how a scent can lock you up as it signifies another entity, now with a body. A snapshot from a memory (oh that stare!) that works like an opium as it takes you away to an entirely different universe. I say, everything is much better.

Truth is a creation of the mind. Part of it is convincing people that you have a point; that what you hold true is true across situations; that it 19s better to accept it than not to understand.

Thus, truth is also relative. People will always believe in different things. So that what is real, a creation of combined truths, is also relative. My reality is different from yours, or we may share certain truths, so to some extent we may say, my reality is also your reality.

But it is in this partiality that we get lost. Reality, for the most part, appears only to be real. Appears to be real, unconfirmed, left to be debunked. For this partiality, we hesitate, we get afraid, we opt to wish and hope and not do anything about it. And sometimes when I think or feel that our realities touch, know that I doubt.

I can 19t force something that seems that 19s not bound to happen to be real. This is my truth, we share it, thus this is our reality. But part of this reality is that we 19re also partial. And even though how much I like you, I doubt because things only appear to be real. I fear. I hesitate.

***

Fred said, 1cIf you have a chance to take the moment that you know will be memorable, grab it. Always think that the word 18next time 19 is always too far. 1d

But Issa said, 1cDo not ever pursue a decision when you 19re having even the slightest doubt about it. Save yourself from regrets. 1d

But at the same time Fred answers, 1cForget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will. 1d

And yet Issa says, 1cThere are times that it is better to let things happen rather than to insist on how you want them to be done. 1d

So, I wait because of fear, doubt, and hesitation.

***

I want to wait. But at the same time, I feel that I can 19t wait for something I want so badly. And for this partiality, I doubt, I fear, I hesitate. And I feel I 19m bound to get nothing, and go nowhere because of this.

I love my Comm 3 class for different reasons. For one, my freshmen classmates are so perky - bibo at the right level. My professor is super nice. She laughs with us, not the pokerface kind. But above all, I love my Comm 3 class because I know they appreciate me. Well, at least I 19m sure that one of them appreciates me.

Chapter 3 was about The Self and Intrapersonal Communication. So part of the reporters 19 activity was related to the Johari Window. We used to do this back in high school during retreats and recollections. I thought it was going to bore me. 

The reporters gave us paper. We folded it into two and were asked to put the characteristics we know of ourselves. This is what I wrote:

Then we were told to tape the blank side of the paper to our backs, formed groups, and were asked to write on each other 19s sheets. This is what I got:

I 19m sorry nalang. Hindi ko kilala kung sino nagsulat n 19yan. So, it must really came from the heart. 

***

I need to pass three problem sheets this Friday 13 two to three pages each, with a flow chart dissecting each problem, with 60 references in total. Mabuhay! This is the graduating student 19s life.

Probably during this same time, I was lying on the floor occasionally puking in a plastic bag while something else was happening around me. It 19s such a pity that I can 19t talk fully about last night. Because first, what happened there stays there. And second, my bad memory was severed by vodka. 

At first there was a live guitar and drums performance, then came the singing, then the party music, then the dancing, then the pranks, and the things that happened in between. It was one hell of a night. 

This is becoming a habit. Pero, kailangan maging strong. Next time, we have to fight the temptation. But of course, we 19re not promising anything. 

I don 19t know how to end this entry. I 19ll just post the last shot I took before leaving. This, I think, sums it all.

My professor asked the class today, 1cWhat will you do if an advisee of a colleague consults you regarding his/her thesis? 1d We started making noise with our answers, so she had to call somebody. Random classmate answers and she agrees. My professor said, 1cWell, that's correct. But actually, you have several options. You can inform your colleague and tell him/her that his/her advisee is asking for your help. 1d There was a pause, then she added, 1cIf that was my advisee, I 19ll tell my colleague that it 19s okay. Kanya na siya. Kanyang-kanya na. 1d

Advisers are there to help. But if you don 19t trust your adviser 19s capability, then at least have the decency to ditch him/her properly 13 given that you can. Don 19t make your adviser feel irrelevant. Because when he had enough, he 19s had enough.

Rain isn 19t really good for the first day of classes. It just makes everything wet and slippery. Instead of being able to roam around the University, run across the fields, and smell the fresh air of independence, you 19ll end up under your umbrellas, cold, and if you 19re lucky enough, wet under the rain because you forgot your rain gear.

Most of the UP freshies are now different. They weren 19t the freshies that we were or the freshies that were before us. They put the CHA in chaka, especially that most them bring their moms, and even yayas around. They put the PA in pathetic, when they can 19t even ask for themselves and would rather get lost looking for classes in the Faculty Center. They put the E in ewww because they would rather talk about their new phones, new condos, new cars, instead of, I don 19t know, fostering great, lasting friendships. And yes, this is a hasty generalization. In any case, I still believe in them. Much more that they have the financial capital that will enable them to do so many things and embody what UP education stands for.

On a gloomier note, I enjoyed my first day today, not because it was perfect, but because I have learned to love the imperfections of the day. WTF.

Hindi ko lang talaga kinaya yung may seat plan sa auditorium. It was, at best, challenging and life changing. You 19re forced to sit beside two random persons who, for the most part, are capable of nothing but awkwardness. Buti nalang groupmate ko si Jovan.

Today, I also skipped a class for the weirdest reason 13 I forgot I had a class. I don 19t know how to explain it to the professor next meeting. But she can always check the time stamp on my Form 5 to prove that I did use the time enroll and not to flutter around looking for freshies with potential.

And also maybe because I wasn 19t myself today, I just happened to have lost money. Money, which by the way, is very scarce lately. Sabi ko nga kanina, 18Wala na nga akong pera, mawawalan pa ako ng pera. 19 Pero sabi ko rin, 18Kung wala na akong pera, bakit nawalan pa ako? Ibig sabihin, may pera pa ako, konti nga lang, sobra. 19 I need to get a job.

Finally, just before I went home, Chel noticed that my left eye was swelling a bit. This eye swelling phenomenon has been happening since the summer of my first year. It has happened every summer then. I didn 19t notice that it didn 19t happen last summer because it didn 19t. Apparently, it just got delayed. Hello, unwanted protrusion!

Anna O is also back in UP. It makes me happy 18cause we 19re now louder. I think this is going to be a great year with most of my friends around. So much for my first day. I 19ll see you tomorrow.

P.S. Today is tomorrow because I just technically crossed a day. That means, it 19s Mikee 19s birthday today. Happy Birthday, Mikee! I wanted to post a photo, but you may not want the exposure and the attention that comes after. Cheers!

Moment 1: Today I was supposed to hear the 6:30 pm Mass in a nearby church. But I got too happy watching vids and playing Internet games. I turned off the computer at exactly 6:30 and told myself that it 19s okay to be 15 minutes late. When I finished dressing up, it 19s already 7.

Moment 2: I aimed for the 7 pm Mass. I told myself that it 19s okay to be 15 minutes late. I rode a jeep to church no. 2 and paid 20 pesos. I was expecting a 13 peso change, but the driver told me to wait for it. When the church was just around the corner, I asked for the change, but he was snubbing me. So, I raised my voice. He asked for 2 pesos, I was then expecting a 15 peso change. I pulled the string to make the jeep stop, grabbed my change, and jumped off the jeep. I opened my hand and got 5 freaking pesos.

Moment 3: I easily get dizzy when I stand too long. Guess who fainted during his grade school graduation because his fellow graduates, and their parents, were so in the zone marching?! Ehem. Anyways, because I was late for the Mass, I had to stand at the back of the church. I thought I was strong. I expected to finish the Mass strong. But I got dizzy towards the end. Read: hazy eyesight, hot ears, and weak knees. Good thing I found an extra space where I can kneel. I faked praying, and told myself to breath, you are strong. Then, I opened my eyes and found a vacant seat. I took the seat and hoped to be fine to receive the communion. When I thought I was okay. I walked towards the lay minister. And that 19s when he turned his back and went back to the altar. Oh yeah!

Moment 4: Today is the Feast of Corpus Christi (Latin, Body of Christ). I didn 19t understand the homily because the priest was old and gibberish. And out of everything that seemed like a rant, this was the only one that made sense: 1cWhen you give everything to a person, you expect to be given everything back. But as Christians, we should be selfless like our Lord Jesus Christ. 1d  I was like, 1cOh yes, father! Let 19s talk about giving everything, and being selfless. 1d

Moment 5: Mama and Papa were watching a feature on Manila Ocean Park earlier. Obviously, they were showing swimming fishes. I don 19t know what my father saw, but I heard him protest, 1cOh! Ginagataan yan ah! 1d I wonder what fish that was. Kinunot na pagi? O kinunot na pating?

Moment 6: My new play list includes, 18I Don 19t Trust Myself (With Loving You) 19, but I think 181234 19, so please 18Give Me a Chance 19, because I want you to be my 18Everything 19. FTW!

That 19s all folks! I 19m back!

I woke up at around 12 pm because I can 19t force myself back to sleep anymore. I went out of the room, sat on the sofa, and stared blankly at the floor. My mom saw me and asked what 19s wrong. Maybe she heard me cry last night. And I wish I knew why I cried last night. Sabi ko pa naman kay Ferds na parang ang corny umiyak mag-isa, parang episode before suicide 13 walang ibang tao para i-comfort ka, ikaw at ikaw lang talaga.

Sa totoo lang, sobrang gulo ng mundo ko ngayon. From manageable to chaotic in one night. I really find it hard to fix everything lately. Maybe I did things to offend people. How I wish they 19d just understand me right now. I have grown paranoid, and extra sensitive. And it 19s not helping.

I 19ve been thinking about so many things lately. That includes death. I trust myself that I won 19t do it. I didn 19t even want to mention this here. I don 19t want sympathy. But I feel the more I hold things back for myself, the harder for me to handle myself. I need to breathe.

You just don 19t have the idea how weird it feels to look at the ceiling and think of hanging yourself, to remember that you can hang yourself and die sitting, to take a late night bath and feel like you 19re preparing for something, to want to cry but you just can 19t do it, to remember how to be strong.

I 19m not writing for show. I just want people to understand that I 19m just human. I commit mistakes. I always try to be happy. I get frustrated. I get tired. And I understand that I can 19t ask the world to be gentle.

I 19m not dying soon. Or at least, I wish. I took chances, got overwhelmed with uncertainties, it bumped me off track. I 19m on the process of reverting, stay with me, people. Stay with me.

I feel shitty especially after everything that happened last night. I just don 19t get it. I don 19t blame the alcohol. I blame friends who tried to play savior. I don 19t want people thinking that just because I 19m tipsy, it follows that I 19m too loose to think for myself. Puta naman.

Oo nga, nandun na tayo. Friends, we love each other like brothers and sisters. But sometimes, let me fall off the cliff. Or let 19s jump off the cliff together. Or you can always break my fall. Or after falling together, let 19s talk about the experience. 18Cause friends, sometimes, I need to learn it by myself. I love y 19all, but I just have to do things on my own.

But love is solid when I have like 8 out of 10 friends who 19ll be willing to catch me after the jump. For that, much love and thanks goes for everybody.

And as for you: I 19m an English major. We learned how to analyze sentences on the surface, down to its deep structure. But you know what; there is something in 18I appreciate your honesty 19 that I don 19t get. That 19s something that you have to spell out for me. And that 19s something that I have to be okay with.

I remember bits and pieces. I trust my friends when they try to fill the gap. One question: what 19s holding you back?

So common y 19all. Let 19s sing:

I never thought of making a bathroom as a common hall. Or to even create one bathroom with two doors connecting two rooms. It 19s as amazing as calling a place Malacanan as it shatters the affixed idea of an at least decent palace. Nevertheless, it was fun, because for one, there was the alcohol and two, because we were productive.

Not that I 19m proud, but I was an hour late. Call time was 5 am, I arrived at 6. It was because I decided not to sleep anymore, but found myself snatching a quick nap. I woke up at 3:30 am with an unpacked bag. So just imagine the struggle to think what to prioritize first 13 bath or bag, bath or bag? Then, the morning drivers weren 19t too energetic, and aren 19t really willing to step on the accelerator. So, there I was late.

The sem planning proper was okay. With a sleeping bag, an uninflated air bed, and a double deck, we were locked up in a room for a whole day. The room had an aircon that froze with ice after hours, that explains the need to defrost to make it function again. And yes, the LCD projector made things worse. It released hot air like a bonfire for those who sat on the floor.

We had lunch and dinner breaks, and breakfast for the morning after. Keller was our head cook. We also had a bagful of chocolates from Pearl. And I also understand that it was AnaRod 19s first time to cook rice and Anna A 19s first time to cook corned beef 13 which was 26. Okay, moving on.

I don 19t know what time we actually ended. All I know is that I wanted to sleep towards the end, and so I did after Anna thanked us for participating and for being strong and resilient like the bamboo. Okay, part false matter. When I woke up, people were already in the pool, some were just talking in other rooms, and some were living the rockstar life. Read: booze, cigs, and videoke.

And remember what I told you about not puking when drinking? I take it back.

This would probably be my last sem planning with Debsoc, as it is also my first time. It sucks to think that I 19m on my last year. But I can always be the alumnus who would grace the next.

The start of classes was moved. That just gave me an extra week of being unproductive. Good thing, I attended this. Cheers for Pansol!

Special thanks to Pearl.